Hope for Christmas

This is a hard time of year to negotiate if life has taken a turn you didn’t foresee.

Many valleys have I climbed into and out of over and over again, before and after my son vanished.  The valleys prior to my son going missing were life issues thrown my way I had to deal with and sometimes did it well and other times not so!


The valleys I have crawled in and out of since Damien vanished have indeed been the hardest to stay above.  However, life has a force that propels you forwards and there isn’t much choice but to keep breathing, move with it or you will perish.  Part of me feels frozen in time and it will always be the part needing most care.  The part propelled forwards has also brought a lot of joy as well as that lingering sadness.

There can be joy and there can be happiness and even though there is a lingering pain of loss, life does soothe the pain a little.  It’s not gone. Life has taught me to deal and heal with it.  Never give in and never give up.

Damien38

I have been feeling very unsettled lately, like an itch beneath the skin you can’t scratch.  I have the familiar anxiety where I struggle for a deep breath.  It has been niggling at me.  I have a urge to scream, which thankfully I have under control.  It’s a frustration somewhere deep in my psyche.  Then I finally I put my finger on it.

It is just a few days away from Damien’s 38^th birthday.  When he went missing he had not long turned 16, very much still a child despite being a strapping 6’ 3” tall.

So here we are again, visiting another milestone without him. 

Somebody knows.  I just wish they had the guts or decency to tell us what went wrong.

The Quiet Moments

The quiet moments, when driving home, he wanders into my thoughts quite stealthily.  The familiar emotions that have been carefully repressed start to percolate and bubble like a small spring of water that has lain covered then is suddenly laid bare.

I say his name, a stifled sob like mantra “Damien my sweet boy, where are you” over and over.

I walk my mind through the moments when I first realized he was missing and we had no idea why he wasn’t to be found, anywhere.   I re-visit all the moments in a jumbled fast forward and I see his face and feel his presence in my soul, an almost tangible connection to his being.  But I know he is not close.  He is not to be found.

He is gone, and we don’t know how.

Thoughts are jumbled and fleeting but the deep primal connection to my child lingers like a physical pain.  The tears that I never shed anymore come easily to taunt me as I struggle to keep them at bay. 

This happens almost daily on my way to work and on my way home.  The quiet time when I am alone.  Its fleeting but its real and its bitter sweet as I feel the wisp of a connection and just as quickly its gone. 

I take a deep breath, compose my head and I go to work.

Birthday June 21st.  He has been missing since 1996.  21 birthdays missed.....

We need to know what happened.  Police have sent him to a cold dusty shelf where he will be taken out once in awhile and reviewed.  We have nothing.  We just have intense feelings of loss and intense dismay and disillusionment as to how his case has been mishandled, incompetent officers promoted or retired leaving us without any avenue.

BUT HE IS STILL MISSING AND WE WONT STOP LOOKING AND WE WONT GO AWAY!

Visit our website   Damien Nettles website

Please sign  DAMIEN'S LAW PETITION 

Watch this space

Watch this space

I had a colleague ask me what that meant.  I didn’t realize not everyone understands that saying.  But I guess I assume and one should not assume anything, I have learned.

It has been a frustrating year “watch this space kind of year” and seen a lot of hope dashed onto the rocks.  We started a uk.gov petition asking for Damien’s case to be given extra funding to bring it in line with other high profile cases.  Despite a marathon spurt towards the end, failed to get enough to make it to a Parliamentary mention. 7K in 6 months, not enough.

Over the years I observed how funding & publicity for missing cases is skewed at times. The publicity for young males going missing is typically less noteworthy as young females.  Young men, it is assumed, are out on the town and it’s acceptable for them to be off the radar while they do what boys do.  Girls on the other hand set off all the alarm bells.  Check out the report available online Men Missing on a Night out by Geoff Newiss and Portsmouth University.

In late 2016 I set forth some points on the subject, I called it Damien’s Law.  I set up a new petition to ask the government for better risk assessment when young males especially go missing.  Better case management.  Better treatment of families left behind to cope.  More partnership between agencies involved in a missing case to ensure nobody falls through the cracks.  It’s my hope for a lasting legacy to Damien.  That he did not disappear and our family did not languish in ambiguous loss for nothing.  My hope would be for Damien to be associated with something that would have meaning for future missing cases and make a difference.  Future cases would not be ignored and left until the passage of time becomes too wide to broach.  Left to chance.  We teamed up with Charlie Hedges of Charlie Hedges Advisory who envisions a Center of Expertise for Missing People.   We are also supported my renowned Criminologist Dr. Elizabeth Yardley, Center for Applied Criminology @ Birmingham University in UK.  Professionals including Missing People .  All experts who ascribe to improving the plight of the missing and issues that surround it.

In late 2016 I submitted another complaint to Hampshire Constabulary regarding poor policing and lack of communication; lack of integrity; lack of compassion; lack of clarity.  I also addressed several specific areas where I felt they fell short.  The initial response from the police was to pass this to IPCC as they recognized a loss of faith in their abilities by me.  However, the IPCC handed the complaint back to Hampshire Constabulary.  After some months Hampshire Constabularies response was that some aspects of the complaints were upheld but others were not.  Passage of time, personnel moved on or retired.  Not all the case notes were transcribed from paper to HOLMES database when he was added to Major Crimes to investigate and placed on the HOLMES database.  I appealed these points to IPCC, who then accepted the appeal.  However, they failed to uphold my concerns.  Police apologized to me for shortcomings, poor police work and ensured me things are improved.  My Damien was a practice piece then?  I still see gross negligence happening in missing cases.   I am not convinced things are much better at all.

This has been a depressing time.  The public have supported me and have been the wind beneath my wings.  But it’s not looking hopeful for enough support to make any difference and my hope is fading for a lasting legacy for my son.

As I get older I am more acutely aware that time is ticking and that I may never see any result explaining what happened to Damien.  I have, like many other mothers and family members, spent countless years hashing and re-hashing the movements and every small bit of information, good and bad, that comes my way.  Begging for attention to my son’s case.  Pleading with those who might have any idea.  I have gone to extremes I never imagined I would ever go to look for my son.  It’s emotionally draining and it is physically debilitating to keep it up day after day.  When I try to rest, something comes up to propel me along again.  It is relentless.  The alternative will be to stop and let Damien fade away for good and I can’t imagine doing that any more that I could turn my back on my surviving children when they are in need.

Damien’s Law

Still missing and still loved.

Still missing and still not properly investigated.

I am weary of armchair detectives and judgmental comments about Damien being out late. I really should not read comments, but there again, I have nothing to hide and can appreciate people will speculate.  He wasn’t given permission to be roaming the streets he was given permission to be at his friends house until such time he called us or stayed over.  We don’t have any excuses other than we thought he was safe enough with his friends.  If we could have foreseen something like this happening, well, hindsight is a fine thing.  Beat myself up every day.

Some people concluded the police have done enough - what I can tell you is they admit they (Police) made mistakes in the early days when it mattered.  Try putting yourselves in our situation knowing your life could have been much different had the police done it right in the first place.  Evidence tossed aside and not looked into when it could have gained results.  We feel let down.

We have speculation turned into Chinese whispers blurring facts.  Damien is an urban legend.   But he is my son, a loved a cherished child.  One wrong night out and we are left bereft but unable to lay him to rest or even know if he is really dead.  If he died,  how did he die, and did he cry for us?  Was it painful.  We hear the stories about being stuck like a pig with a pitch fork - being hit over the head - choking on his own vomit - his beautiful body burned - being cut up and fed to pigs or put into lobster pots. And more.  

We do need to know and are prepared to hear the truth once and for all.  The truth is all we want.  To know the truth would be far better than hearing all the other speculative comments.  

We have, out of desperation, tried everything we could to get to the bottom of it all but still nothing has been able to be proved due to passage of time.  Police complaints suggest they cannot delve back into the poor policing due to passage of time and officers retired/moved on.  

Damien was a lovely lad, life full of promise.  Was he perfect - yes.  And no.  He was a 16 year old boy who was learning about life much like most of his peers.  Was he gullible? Probably not as street smart as some. He was a good person and I still hear from people who tell me of his kindness and how he helped them at times.  

He didn’t deserve to be dismissed by police and brushed under the Council carpet who didn’t want it mentioned during the holidays in case it ‘scared off summer visitors.’  God help those people who successfully thwarted this flawed case due to their inaction's.  

Please help us make Damien's Law a reality so this does not happen to another family!

Brain Cloud

This thing between my ears is called my brain. It is what scientists liken to a computer in our head that processes and stores information Ad infinitum which means again and again.  I know this why?? I googled it:

‘Ad infinitum definition, to infinity; endlessly; without limit.’ 

I think of my brain as my iCloud and my iCloud is out of storage space. Where the heck do I get extra storage for my brain??  At my age and after the last lunatic 21 years I feel I have reached capacity. No room, out of space.  Hence with age and limited capacity in the brain cells I am stressed to the max and I don’t always suffer fools gladly.  I misplace my glasses numerous times last week – they were on my head.  I lost my keys that I just put down, but where did I put them?  I lost my iPhone at the gym – the anxiety was physical almost like that of losing Damien – what would I do without it? (not really – nothing can compare to losing Damien.)  I would gladly lose the phone and find the son.  But the odds are stacked against me in finding Damien.

This happens a lot. I feel totally overwhelmed with all aspects of Damien’s case which is sitting up on the dirty cold case shelf being studiously ignored by police in some forgotten place.  I have reports and reports to read then I have reports ‘of’ reports…… and then I have more reports (all churned out on tax payers money) - about an investigation that failed in numerous ways. Police speak - trying to justify the failures and learning from mistakes and things are better now.  No, they are not better, not when you look at some of the recent cases.  21 years they learned little and failed to put that knowledge gained to use by ensuring it doesn’t happen again.  But it does, again and again. Especially when young lads go missing. 

I need to step back and take stock but my brain, bless it, wants to alleviate some of the storage space issues by allowing me to type the words here into a blog.  I have to understand and accept that the lunacy I have experienced in this journey and continue to experience while working with police has always and continues to be abysmal.  It has been an eye opening shocking disappointment and that despite everything they only seem to get abysmally worse in how they deal with the grieving parent of a missing child.  He is NOT a lost puppy….he is my son. Have a heart and forget the formal anal police speak and reach into your soul and treat us like human beings, especially parents of lost boys.  They have not all run off into the sunset never to be seen again because they are all having a “funny five minutes” as I was told.  I know I am not alone in this experience.  Some may have fared better, but too many feel as I do.  Frustrated and disillusioned and disappointed and despairing.

I fear it is only going to get worse as police funding is cut yet again.  Training and policy will be difficult to improve when nobody seems to care.

DAMIEN'S LAW PETITION

I care.  Help me get this petition before the eyes of those who might be able make a difference.

Creating Hope from the darkness

Life as we knew it was cast away from its course into dark and deep waters of despair and confusion.  Dealing with what is known as “ambiguous loss” has been a long journey with many hard lessons learned along the way. Lessons about life and family and what is meaningful anymore.  One thing that has grown out of this darkness and continues to lift us is the light that was and still is Damien.  The joy that he brought.  The good and decent person he had become.  Not perfect but delightfully silly and entertaining.  The joy he brought lives with us still.

It is because of this deep confusion, lessons learnt and continued shining light that keeps me focused on making his loss into something meaningful.  It is because he shines as a beacon of hope and joy and we refuse to let his spirit flicker and die.  We continue to strive to make things better for other missing cases.  We will endeavor to ensure that cases are given full, respectful scrutiny by police and other organizations that are involved in any way.  We want all stones turned and nothing left to chance.
Please help us get the support we need.  The momentum is growing for this idea and we are delighted that this call has been taken up by professionals in their fields who see the value of these ideals.  Please sign our petition and support the call for Damien’s Law and the principals that form the manifesto.

Damien's Law Petition