Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Damien Nettles missing 19 years on November 2, 2015

Damien, you will have been missing 19 years on November 2, 2015.  I don’t feel like it’s been that long. 

I won’t say we are over it, that can’t ever be the case.  It is easier, or perhaps we have just got used to this life of ambiguous loss.  We still love and miss you every day.

So let me say to those who are no longer thinking about you that it’s okay.  

Please don’t creep around us like we have a dirty secret.  Don’t mention his name in hushed tones.  If its uncomfortable or inconvenient...move along. 

I understand some have “moved on”.  I am glad for them that they have that luxury. 

I am still left in the wake of it all.  I am standing in the same spot as I was the day I realized you were lost.  I have that fear and panic in the pit of my stomach but I have learned to contain it. 

You know I have never given up on you.  Support for us finding you is humbling Damien.  You would not believe all the things we have done, and are still doing, to find answers. You would not believe how much you are cared for by people who never knew you.  You are cared about and that is fitting since you were always caring about others.  Kind.
So I want you to know that we all love and miss you.  I know that I can’t “move on.”  That is okay.  Let others move forward, but I will never leave you behind.  You’re always with me, your mummy.  I love you forever and I miss you.

Friday, July 31, 2015

I am sharing something written by a friend and a conversation with an ex-police informer on the IW.  No names, just the text and names are blocked except for mention of my son James who this person contacted with information about what happened.................
"Over the last 4/5 years I have felt anger, resentment and hatred to those who took Damien away from his family. They have walked our streets free, knowing what they did and believing they have got away with murder. They have left Val, Ed and the rest of the family to suffer like no parent should ever suffer. They are living in limbo an unknown world to the rest of us.  
As I stated previously I can never name names for legal reasons but I would like to share with extracts from private messages and texts to prove that people who were not involved in 1996 but were privy to information just a few years ago who have declined to admit they were given this information or pass it on.   
As a result of this even the police’s hands are tied and they must seriously think it is hilarious to watch us dig in all weathers with all illnesses and not even have the decency to leave a marker so we can get nearer Damien’s grave.   
I was actually told that this person was a paid police informer and this was confirmed by an CID officer who told they always got results from, yet later when I spoke to a police officer who would have been still in school when Damien went missing that they were unreliable and a liar. I can say that I found this person open & honest about their past. So a Liar No! Never once did their version of events change.   
It just seems strange that the police steadfastly refuse to dig this site despite the same information coming in from quite a few sources yet funds are constantly being used to search Greece & Portugal for two other missing children.  
I actually feel sorry for this person as they have been to the police twice with the same information and yet even branded as a liar they have steadfastly stuck to their story. To me that tells us everything but you have to question as why they will not reveal the identity of the friend that had the confession made to them, who went to Damien’s grave and said a prayer, is it fear or loyalty?????

Please read and let us know what you think.".............. 
15/06/2012 20:11
Hi ****, still away on my break from my children. I forgot to tell you when Police rang me to ask questions last year they laughed down phone when I told them I was told where he may be, I put Phone down on them, told ***** they giggled. Not f*ing funny. I Am going to see my dear friend when he's back from holiday himself! And I would now like a drawing of where he was told where he is. Can only write so much in 1text in this box so will continue on more pages- 
5/06/2012 20:16
Do not wish to give c.i.d's names who I worked for but those who lived in **** ******s nans shack were **** ********- dead now. ****** ***********- Dead now. *** ****** Alive. A big lad called ******* who I shall add was a compleate junkie bully&did'nt give a shit who stood in his way, he was around- 
15/06/2012 20:24
6ft stocky, dark hair, it could have been him the heartless piece of shit who stood outside Vals house! I will ask my friend to draw what he saw&where! To the point he was shown... It's the best I can do for you All. Police are useless, covering up murder tape because one of there own men f*ked up. Do please explain to Val that if my friend wishes not to speak no-more then I-
15/06/2012 20:24
Have to accept it.x
23/06/2012 14:15
•they all asked what I knew! But at that time I was not told of where he may be laid! Big Nose had blondey white hair, he was always nice to me, if they had'nt been, I would have told them to fuck themselfs like I did with the laughing idiot on the phone&so I did ****** when she tried to ring me twice again not long after he laughed down his phone to me. I told James& he got onto it. I was then told he was down Newport path track, that was wrong. He is in *******. Does'nt matter how long it takes there boy aint going anywhere if he where my friend was shown. You see my friend is not no lier, he I trust more than many, I trust him like I do ***, and he is not involved but 
Image23/06/2012 14:33
Was shown where he lays. When my friend told me he had passion of loss in his voice whem he told me. Why me because he knew I spoke to someone who used to be in C.I.D. My friend had his left hand on his heart as he spoke. He has children of his own&was shooken up alittle. He feels unsafe with the police, in fact he hates them. And because I'd mentioned *** he found he had trust in me to tell me. All of them would ask me once every few months what I may have heard. There are so many storys, I bet mine will never come to light.x 
24/06/2012 20:19
Right if your coming out from the in the ****, nettle side. But on your left when you get to a huge hump hes on left from ****** side... It's alittle further in, you will see hump in the ground.  
25/06/2012 14:31
I will keep to this one... At least **** does'nt have to draw nothing. Just to show me the spot will do just fine. I have butterflys in my tummy of worry but I know I should'nt as there really is a trust in **** & yourself. I do Not wish to go missing! I do not wish for my children would go missing because I spoke& my words were said to the Wrong person. We have the spot. Now to find the bump in path or next to it the path on left. Depends which way you go in? He Is on the left.  Speak soon. ***** .xx  
11/07/2012 15:39
I've spoken to my good friend. Told him where my friend& I were stood. I was stood in the middle of the 3paths. the steep stone path was to my left, which most people walk through although it's steep, flat tar mac lays up it&then a bungalow on your left as if you were walking down&then a grassy path inbetween both bungalows. &I where stood right there... God I am so happy inside to be able to speak to him, we do not wish to have nothing. Give it to others to help find theres.x  
12/07/2012 11:05
been to his two days in a row as not seen him since Jan, not easy to catch him alone but worth the wait... He did say, "Parkhurt Forest, what the f*ck is all that about"... I told my friend it did'nt come from me. There are many who are just guessing. Wish they'd stop bloody guessing. It does'nt do us any good.x 

Monday, May 25, 2015

Outwardly calm inwardly screaming

Silently, life moves forward without my lost son.  I am outwardly calm.  I don’t cry anymore, not in a way anyone could see.  It's a silent sob that only I can feel and hear.  It is hard to explain, though parents in my situation will  know exactly what I mean.  Beneath the quiet fa├žade there is turmoil, confusion and an acute feeling of loss.  I hold onto a massive grief tinged with anger, remorse and bitterness.  Outwardly calm inwardly screaming.

Over the years I have learned to cope a little better with the loss.   I never thought I would last a year after my son disappeared off the face of the earth.  With support and encouragement from Missing People, especially in the early days, I felt lifted up by their constant support.  I can't say I am whole again, the pain is still here in my heart, but I can say I am stronger and I than I ever dreamt I could be. I will never give up the search, no matter how that might end.  I want my son back one way or another.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I read an article that suggested the arrest in the Claudia Lawrence case this week in the UK, proves the McCann case should not be scaled back.

It is understandable and many feel calling off the search for a missing person is inhuman.  But that is the reality of the majority of missing kids cases.  Very few cases have the luxury of prolonged international attention.  Major celebrities, including the Prime Minister and the Pope,  have supported some families of the missing.   It needs to be said that over 200,000 people go missing every year in the UK alone.  They go missing on home soil, but their cases are never heard about outside of the locality where they went missing.  They have family too, in need of help and support.

Every time a case is solved or missing people are found/recovered, it gives ALL families left behind a little hope that one day they will have answers.  Not just one or two familes but thousands who are suffering but not heard about,

I think about my 18 year search for my son.  I see the fantastical amounts of money and expert top notch manpower focused on a handful of cases.  It is painful to be left without any resources at all in terms of a professional search team.  We are lucky to have a team of public volunteers trying to excavate a site for my sons body, in England, on home soil.  But police wont help with it and show little concern or interest.  They are quite happy for the public to get on with it.  No funds apparently.

Every missing person case deserves to be solved.  We simply want the same opportunity for recovery.   

Thursday, March 19, 2015

For the past couple of days I felt a sense Damien.  Its a gut feeling I get about my kids.  I felt it this week a couple of times and it was a sense of Damien.  Don’t know how else to describe this thing I feel for my children.  But out of the blue, I felt him close.  Could see him clearly and felt his closeness, like he was thinking of me too.  I felt his presence and I felt like I had taken  a breath at last.  

I  lost the feeling of connection to Damien in that intrinsic sense.  I always ‘felt’ my kids, even if they were not right with me.  I have a ‘sense’ of them.  It is not a tangible thing, its impossible to explain, but it is something a parent has.  It’s a sense of your children.

When Damien went missing, I felt panic, fear, but beyond that, I felt a sense of him that I could reach out to.  I felt his existence.  But soon this feeling left me.  I couldn’t connect to that feeling and I struggled with the loss of it.  The fear of what that means.  I lost my focus of Damien.  As the years passed, it has, on occasion seemed difficult to find a emotional connection.  Its too painful perhaps.  Its numb where there was pure joy in the life I brought into this world, watched grow into a funny talented human being and got to know and love.

So for a fleeting couple of moments, he came back into my senses and I felt warmth, happiness and all I could do was to smile and remember his beautiful soul.

I feel we are getting close to the truth and an answer.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015


When did it ever become acceptable to wait six weeks for police to follow up on new information?  When did take three months to test soil samples?
When did it become acceptable to ignore a missing person case?

I think this supports my past claims that they are just not interested in moving this case forward.  It is like pulling teeth to get any response from them, any of them.  This type of poor policing adds to the utter contempt and frustration I have developed over the years I have dealt with police.

Total disappointment all along the way.  It never improves.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Cover up?  Who do you trust?

My personal thoughts are as follows.  They are my thoughts which span 18 years of questioning how my 16 year old son could vanish off the face of the earth.

When Damien went missing we reported his disappearance to the police, because that’s what you do, right?  We felt very hopeful that we would get support and a result once they were on the job.  But it does not work like that.

First, we as a family were scrutinized, but we didn’t realize at the time.  We did wonder why they were spending a lot of time interviewing us and our kids and why they were not out searching.  But, being ignorant of any police procedure we thought this was leading somewhere and that surely, while we were being scrutinized, surely they were also out searching?  Erm, no!  So we lost valuable time.  It was at the suggestion of a dear friend that we should forget the bastards (her words) and get out and look ourselves.

That was the best advice I got and I am glad I followed it because, if I hadn’t, we would never have uncovered Damien’s movements that night.  Nothing would have been done by the police.  We knocked on doors and we found people who remembered seeing him and we discovered the video in a chip shop showing him talking to a group of army guys who were visiting the Island.  We made a fuss, asked questions and we were treated like a nuisance by police who obviously did not like the questions we asked.  They did not want to look for him and said he had gone off.  One even told me he was old enough to do what he wanted.  Damien was 16.  The police said they thought he was 19.  Big mistake on their part.

Mistakes just kept coming like the loss of evidence.  The CCTV of the High Street showing Damien walking along mysteriously disappeared.  They blew that off like it did not matter at all.  Justified it by saying there was nothing of importance on that CCTV.  Liars.

I think there was something that would have implicated either the police themselves or someone closely related to the police.  As anyone on the Isle of Wight knows, everyone is connected.  So what was there to hide.  The more I find out about connections between parties of interest, the more I am suspicious that there has been a big cover up.

The army men on the chip shop video were not identified for 14 years, despite promises that they would be looked for, nothing was done for 14 years.

No search was done of any scale until 14 years later.

No arrests were made until 14 years later.

All too late!
We have been given a location where Damien may be buried, but the police refuse to look – why?
 I believe that when Damien is found his remains will tell all and that day is coming.

Monday, February 2, 2015

The Night I last saw you
You were in good spirits.  I didn’t make a fuss when you walked out to go to your pals house.  It was like any other time you were going to go and hang out with them.  You were eager to go and see your friends who you had not seen for the past week.  You had been away over half term, up to Suffolk, to see a young girl you had met in the summer and who you were very keen on.  So you had arranged to meet and see your friends and catch up before school began again on Monday.  So we spent the day doing family shopping.  You bought guitar stings and a guitar book.  You had a gift certificate from school for doing well on your exams and you bought a book.  You loved your guitars.  They sit in my room now and I look at them and remember your passion for your music.  That afternoon, when you had bought your book, I had for once decided that I would leave you and Dad and your brother James to finish shopping and I would treat myself, so I went to the hairdresser and spent some time and money on me for once.  It was a little luxury.  I didn’t know that while I was spending time at the hairdresser that I missed spending time with you.  I didn’t know.  When I got home it was gone 5pm and I had taken the bus home and walked a fair way to get home.  I was tired.  I didn’t spend much time with you that evening.  I didn’t know you would vanish.  You ate your dinner.  Fish and chips and you asked Daddy to drive you to Chris house.  So off you went with Dad and you stood at the living room door, filling the space with your height, and with your lovely sweet face you smiled and said you were going out.  I asked you to be home at 10.30 pm., which seemed reasonable, but you pleaded to stay out a bit later and I said okay, no later than midnight.  I wasn’t worried or concerned really, you were just going into Cowes like any other night out.  You were very tall, about 6’ 4”.   What was there to worry about.  Obviously I was always aware of the dangers but couldn’t wrap you in cotton wool all your life and had to let you go and trust you.  So off you went smiling and with that lope of yours on your long legs, off you went through the door saying ‘bye Mum, see you later’ and as usual I always said be careful.  I never saw you again Damien.

I regret that evening every day of my life.  I wish I had spent more time with you.  Hugged you and touched your cheek.  Wish I had listened more to stuff you chatted on about.  Wish that I could have been a better parent and been more there for you.  I wish I hadn’t just let you stride out of my life waving innocently  at me with those beautiful eyes twinkling with mischief.  I wish I could have just stopped and listened to that inner voice when I relented and agreed you could come home late.  I wish that I had stuck to my guns and the 10.30 pm curfew.  But I wasn’t paying enough attention you see.  I had wanted to spend a little time just on me doing what I wanted to do.  I failed you because if I had not wanted to relax and have a little me time I might have listened to my inner voice.  I regret that I did not be the parent I should have been and put your safety first by ensuring you were safe.  Dad said he told you when he dropped you off that you should call if you needed a lift home and he would come and get you.  I thought you were okay, safe.  That you would work out if you were staying the night as you often did at your pals house.  I knew you would let me know as you normally would.  I didn’t know you were being murdered while I slept.  Did you cry for me? Did you call for Daddy?  Were you alone and frightened and hurt?  You must have been petrified and alarmed that this was happening to you.  I wish I could have stopped it all happening by being a better mother and making sure you were home in time.  I am so so sorry Damien, my light and my heart.