Who can you trust

 Cover up?  Who do you trust?

My personal thoughts are as follows.  They are my thoughts which span 25 years of questioning how my 16 year old son could vanish off the face of the earth.

When Damien went missing we reported his disappearance to the police, because that’s what you do, right? We felt very hopeful that we would get support and a result once they were on the job.  But it does not work like that.

First, we as a family were scrutinized, but we didn’t realize at the time.  We did wonder why they were spending a lot of time interviewing us and our kids and why they were not out searching.  But, being ignorant of any police procedure we thought this was leading somewhere and that surely, while we were being scrutinized, surely they were also out searching?  Erm, no!  So we lost valuable time.  It was at the suggestion of a dear friend that we should forget the bastards (her words) and get out and look ourselves.

That was the best advice I got and I am glad I followed it because, if I hadn’t, we would never have uncovered Damien’s movements that night.  Nothing would have been done by the police.  We knocked on doors and we found people who remembered seeing him and we discovered the video in a chip shop showing him talking to a group of army guys who were visiting the Island.  We made a fuss, asked questions and we were treated like a nuisance by police who obviously did not like the questions we asked.  They did not want to look for him and said he had gone off.  One even told me he was old enough to do what he wanted.  Damien was 16.  The police said they thought he was 19.  Big mistake on their part.

This set the rot into the case, day one.  Blaming Damien for being a young boy, because boys do this.  Accusing him of being a runaway and a timewaster and not a priority.

Mistakes just kept coming like the loss of evidence.  The CCTV of the High Street showing Damien walking along mysteriously disappeared.  They blew that off like it did not matter at all.  Justified it by saying there was nothing of importance on that CCTV.  Not true - my sons last movements were on that CCTV.

Could there be something that would have implicated either the police themselves or someone closely related to the police?  As anyone on the Isle of Wight knows, everyone is connected.  So what was there to hide.  The more I find out about connections between parties of interest, the more I am suspicious and start to believe the locals who say there was a cover up.

The army men on the chip shop video were not identified for 14 years, despite promises that they would be looked for, nothing was done for 14 years. 

• No search was done of any scale until 14 years later.

• No arrests were made until 14 years later.

• All too late!  

We have been given a location where Damien may be buried, but the police refuse to look – why?  Cost, manpower and if Damien was found it would not be looking good for them.

I believe that when Damien is found his remains will tell all and that day is coming.  

 

Relentless Pace

The search for a loved one is relentless and there is no official handbook that explains the process when someone goes missing.  We need direction.  Do not be scared to offer us help and suggestions that are constructive and clear.  Show us the way forward, we are frozen in time. 

There have been few articles written about what a family does, or what an organization does,  but fail to address the important relationship between families and police.  Terminology usage is sometimes very formal and a bit ambiguous.  The pace of progress can be frustrating.  These are little things families need to be aware of so they don’t feel it’s just them.  It’s common.

What are the policies and procedures or lack thereof?   What should we expect in reality - not what is written in their own handbook?

To be ready to take up the search yourself when they are too busy with solvable crimes.

Missing Persons enquiries often fall beside the wayside. Cases may not always be risk assessed correctly.  Valuable details and time lost can never be recovered.   Police have dozens of runaways or county lines and dementia cases and it is easy to make simple assumptions about all cases.  Police are over burdened and understaffed.  Dedicated missing persons teams are needed in every force.  

It is imperative a family is listened to.  It takes tenacity and a willingness to challenge authority of the police and it is exhausting.  It often leads to a breakdown of communication to a level that is just unacceptable, but these cases are not a priority.

Long term missing are a category that seems to be immersed into statistics with cases which are more clear in the intentions of the missing person either repeat runaways and missing from care.  These are a huge issue but very much in another category. Yet the unsolvable long term missing cases which are out of character are the forgotten cases. No real statistics. No easy answers. No back story and no trail to follow.  Shelved too soon. 

I have learned to take each day at a time.  It is okay when mentally and physically exhausted, you  must let go, step back and allow your brain to decompress.

I am pleased to be on another think tank to support Charlie Hedges in a proposed handbook that will be helpful to families entering into this experience.  

Waiting for the Light

 
Christmas is looming

I wrestle in my soul

Comparing a life which was whole
To this fractured remnant of  hope

If sweet Damien was here
What would he say or want?

He would say life took a turn

It wasn't in the plan
He would tell us he loves us
To live for the moment

Not how it once was

Nothing is certain
Make the best of sad times
Have faith
One day it will come right
Maybe not as we hoped or expected
Our paths to take
Nothing is guaranteed
We are visitors to this life
We think we have control

But, in truth
There is only fate
Accept for now what you cannot alter
Be still, be calm

Waiting for the light

by Valerie Nettles

Shadows in time

Furrowed brow

Hearing

Whispers in the wind

Chasing autumn leaves 

Floating in the air

Fingertips reaching to touch

Ethereal, drifting, fleeting 

Wisps of lingering memories

Echos of silence 

Embracing spaces

Where once you breathed

Memories slipping away

Nowhere to be found

by Valerie Nettles

Bittersweet

 Elusively, floating into my dreams you come. You are are helping others to safety.  You are pointed out to me as my son.  I found you!  In hushed tones people speak of your gentle courage. It’s you I see and I am elated and proud.  Something happens, there is danger, and I catch my breath in disbelief. 

 It’s a physical pain as I realize it is a dream.

You were there, fleetingly, now gone, fate unknown.  The dream dissipates with the waking of a new day. I have an acute sense of loss once again.  For a brief moment I felt the joy of finding you again.  Maybe one day. Bittersweet.

Urban Legend/Speculation

 

When Damien went missing we soon became very frustrated at the lack of action taken by the police.  In hindsight I feel that the day I reported him missing was the day they made up their minds how this case would go.  Dismissed.  I was informed all teenage boys “go off for a funny five minutes.”  “He will be home by tea-time”. “Gone off to lick his wounds.”  But none of this applied to Damien and we knew as a family he wouldn’t go off and not at least tell someone.  He couldn’t resist telling people where he was and what he was doing.

The whole thing was out of character.  But we were not heard and the running away idea was perpetuated as police told locals he had “run away “swam across The Solent” which is the stretch of water between the Isle of Wight and England southern coastline. Ludicrous at best.  No he wouldn’t have done this.  Police tried to put words in the mouths of his teen friends that he was depressed and a risk taker. No he wasn’t.  One officer declared he drowned and floated off to the Hook of Holland.  On what information did they base this?  Rumor mongering.  Setting in the rot that would eventually render this case virtually unsolvable.  

The rumor and speculation began in earnest on the Isle of Wight until the police were unable to sift facts from fiction.  Damien became a Urban Legend.

Although I welcomed people to contact police or myself with any information it was hard.  People were afraid of repercussions on a small island or didn’t trust police and wouldn’t go on record which rendered that information useless.  

All of this was bad enough but unfortunately part of the territory with a case like this.  One person suggested something and another repeated it slightly differently and before we knew it a whole story re-circulated back as another possible line of enquiry.  The police ignored most of it as regurgitated gossip.  Some of it they couldn’t ignore and had to act on it. 

Then there is the added distress of finding a body/human remains. I cannot even describe the emotions this elicits in the family.  Initially, police informed us of such finds and let us know the results.  But after a few years they failed to let us know.  We hear about it these days on Facebook as good and supportive followers of Damien’s case let us know when they hear of remains found.  I have to chase the police for some reassurance it’s not Damien.  It is hard to hear the comments, theories and innuendo regarding my own sons possible demise.

Families do read reports and articles about their missing loved ones and hearing those comments is very disheartening.  But it goes with the territory. My son is urban legend and his disappearance taken on a life of its own.  We can’t control the internet.  If we approve an article that’s fine but sometimes un-corroborated theories and mistakes are made, which once on the internet, are difficult to repair.  They are woven into the narrative.  It’s almost impossible to unpick the damage. 

Website:  www.damiennettles.uk

Author: The Boy Who Disappeared ISBN: 1789460719

Publisher John Blake Books

Goodreads/Amazon/Audible & bookshops 

It’s 4am again.

The stars shine bright in the early morning light.  As ever, my mind wanders to you Damien as I ponder your fate.  There is no way to know how you left us, yet.  Memories flood back in monotone like an old celluloid cine film.  Your life, fast forwarding through my mind with snippets of happy times, birthdays, Christmas, and laughter.  The film fizzles, melts, all we hear is the whirring of an empty reel, a life unfinished, there is nothing but silence now as the the switch is flipped. We are left without an ending except visions that haunt our quiet moments. We have been on a rollercoaster ride for so many years. I know that somewhere under those stars you wait for us.  You know we are always looking for you and one day I am sure we will find you.  We have to. 

But time is running out.

 Website:  www.damiennettles.uk

Author: The Boy Who Disappeared ISBN: 1789460719

Publisher John Blake Books

Goodreads/Amazon/Audible & bookshops