Thursday, December 3, 2020

Some days! Just can't get it right.

 That feeling when you really really want to write something down and you open your laptop and the facial recognition does not recognize you!  Nothing seems to work and when you do finally get online it has to download dozens of updates and clean up the damn computer and the monitor goes off......and all the time you’re busting a gut to write something down because it’s in your head and you need to get it out so I’m doing this on my Flippin cell phone with voice recognition! However, that didn’t work either at first...I’m so frustrated at this point I don’t know where to put myself.  Stress?

I was going to take my dog for a walk this morning and as we walked out of the door and she leapt out towards a dog she could see way down the road and nearly disjointing my shoulder.  The owner of said dog was picking up poop and my dog launched her self out of the front door barking her head off.  My dog weighs 100 pounds she’s a big big dog and holding her back, trying to control her was a pain in the butt. I made her sit and told her to calm down and I told her to lie down which she ignored as she has selective hearing, the little Biatch…. I just stepped back in the house,  pushed her inside and went for a walk on my own!  That will teach her.  Except she has no idea she was just I feel guilty.

I’m really kind of pissed off this week! Wound up like a top.  Nothing seems to be going to plan and I should know by now life just does not ‘go to a plan.’ When has my life ever gone to a plan?  The only plan I had for the past 24 years is searching for my missing son.  Always in the back of my head, in my heart every day as I go about my business looking after the dog and feeding the cats and cleaning the house and the day to day worries, my mind thinking about what I can I do?  How can I find my son Damien?

People ask why I bother after 24 years what do I expect to find out? Like its irrelevant now or something? I explain - I hope to find his remains.  I  just want his body back - that would do for now and then I could worry about how he got there and what happened to him later.  Obviously it wouldn’t be any closure and it would open another door full of questions.  At least I might be able to give him a burial and know where he is and have a place to go and visit him

I’m spiraling at the moment and I know I’m spiraling and I know I’ll come back out of it but at the moment I’m indulging it because I understand I need to to go that space.   I need to dig deep into those feelings because I can’t forever pretend like there’s nothing wrong,  Sometimes I just have to go visit it deep down, confront, then self-talk myself back on track. I know I am frustrated - really frustrated. I try extremely hard to do the best I can - but sometimes just doesn’t seem quite enough and there must be something else? Oh dear!  Life is such a bitch.  In this world of the missing it’s isolated lonely depressing desperate disappointing most days.  On those days its hard to see a bright side. 

Time to put on the "I am coping well" face. 

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