U.K. Long Term Missing Cases

MAY 2024

We have finally been appointed a new cold case officer after a year of asking for updates which have been spasmodic and dismissive then finding we actually didn’t have a case worker at all due to staff changes.   

Something has to change.  Families and friends of LONG TERM missing need better communication from the police.  I appreciate there are staffing issues and many threats in society they have to deal with.  But a email reply with some reassurance we are not forgotten and more importantly our missing person is not forgotten - shouldn’t be too time consuming.

It should be a frustrated family to nudge them for feedback, especially  when information, that may or may not be relevant, has been passed to them.  We deserve an update. Who else can you give it to?  Ultimately it’s the police.

My son going missing is, still, out of character and suspicious. The disappearance of our son is surrounded by much controversy and speculation that he was murdered.  Yet this case, in 27+ years been a MisPers case except briefly a suspected murder when arrests were made and searches done.  14 years after he vanished. Too late!  Then back to MisPers and now Cold Case. The sad truth is unless we make a fuss, it would all just go away like it never happened.  We need change in attitude.  It’s a human being - missing.  We may never find out what happened.  But that doesn’t mean we have to give up trying to get to the truth.

 

Since DNA keeps getting more advanced we hear of cases where remains were found shortly after a person went missing.  However, not identified till decades later due to the advances in DNA.  So there is hope.  It may not give us all the answers.  But finally being able to lay that person to rest and having some resolution would go some way to giving peace to the loved ones and a decent burial for a much loved family member. 

 

It’s a social dilemma.  The numbers of missing are chronic.  Many choose to go missing for a myriad of reasons which is a different slant on the issue and incredibly important too. But many just vanish without any reason and there are not the resources available to stay with a case, except for a few high profile cases - vast numbers of cases are in limbo along with family, friends, co-workers and community at large. 

 

I am going to do what I can to help by raising awareness and sharing my experience with those who are working for change.  But it’s a long haul effort but hopefully one day attitudes will improve surrounding the missing issue. Thanks for reading.

I have written a personal account of living through this unsolicited career of ‘mother of a missing teen.’ But it’s a career I am fiercely dedicated to!

https://www.amazon.com/Boy-Who-Disappeared-Valerie-Nettles/dp/1789460719?dplnkId=88497b60-b56f-41bc-916a-a49eb2ef8b29&nodl=1

Manifesting Christmas

So many good memories live on in my heart from childhood to the moment of writing this.

I reflect on the changes.

It took a tragic loss - and other somewhat expected losses to deplete the joy of holidays, birthdays and otherwise warmly anticipated celebrations.

 

The hardest has definitely been Christmas.  I count some losses in my family as anticipated, having had time to adapt to expectations of the inevitable.  Painful, yet leaving us with happy joyous memories that continue to fill my heart at this time of year.  More importantly, having a place to lay flowers, pay respects and lingering awhile in memories means so much.

 

With gratitude for those memories and traditions we built upon and created a space of happiness for our remaining children at Christmas.  But when the fabric of your little family is torn away, revealing a gaping hole, the magic becomes harder to attain.   Every year a resounding, deafening feeling of loss lingers at the center of our universe.  Engendering the ever-present thoughts and questions - what happened? How did it happen? Did It happen? Or, has he found another life? That grim rollercoaster of not knowing is incessantly percolating.

 

So building upon the scaffolding of times gone by, we endeavored to re-create the ambiance of Christmas. We decorated and baked and played the part. It wasn’t the same. The heart leaden and the soul colder.

 

We are the ones left behind to cope with the unsolved and missing loved ones still in our hearts – every day. Missing but ever present.  Ambiguous loss. (Pauline Boss)

 

I live a life between memories ever defined as ‘before and after’ our wee beautiful boy vanished into the dark November night without a trace.

 

Valerie Nettles

Christmas #27

December 2023

 

Heartless

 The case got cold as I got old but your still out there somewhere. 

No closer to truth than at the start.

We cannot forget you either.

So every day, near three decades now

We hope to get the answer

Birthdays came and birthdays went

All without your laughter

Heavy hearts prevail most days

For your sweet life there is no respite

But to carry a ball and chain

Seeking justice in solitude and darkness

Unseen

In the gloom we are not alone

So many there like us

Lives un-lived looking for the lost

Cast adrift

And  it’s heartless. 

Damien’s 27th missing day

We are still hopeful one day we will have some finality to Damien’s disappearance. In the meantime, this is still a dream.

The reality? We live in this world of missing persons.  We are surrounded by a fraternity of families across the globe who, like ours, wait in a quiet desperation for answers. 

Suffering ambiguous loss as they live a life not fully engaged in the present & lingering in the past.

Every opportunity for light to shine on their loved one's case brings a moment of renewed energy in the midst of flagging confusion, loss and hope. 

Val Nettles Nov 2, 2023

Ambiguous Loss

Memories fizzle & pop

 Stars shine bright in early morning light.  As ever, my mind wanders to you Damien as I ponder your fate.  There is no way to know how you left us.

Rattling through my mind, memories, pop and fizzle like an old black & white cine film.  Your life, fast forwards jerkily, faded snippets of happy times, birthdays, Christmas, and laughter.  The film fizzles, melts to the whirring of an empty reel, a life unfinished, nothing but silence now. Terrifying visions haunt quiet moments. 

I know somewhere under these stars you wait for us, alone. You know I am always looking for you and one day will find you.  Have to. But time is running out, my son.

Touch paper

Ambiguous grief

The sensitivity of the situation has not diminished, but easier to talk about.  What used to be a trigger or touch paper moment, igniting swells of grief and emotion in the moment, are somewhat controlled. Not always.

I have learned to live in it and around it. It’s an open wound and is not healing, but the edges are less sharp. Sometimes. Tears of loss, inconsolable, quietly run amok in my heart and are only mine to know. #ambiguousloss #greif #missing #damiennettles #justicefordamien 

Time to move on….

 Life, for us, stopped the moment our son vanished without trace.  We haven’t “moved on” and I can’t think how we can unless we forget he existed.  It might appear we have because we didn’t disappear.  We are still here.  Life continues its path.  But now we live two lives.  One foot in the present and one foot firmly in the past.   We are not ready to give up on his life and cast him aside. A memory of inconsequence. He deserves to be found because we don’t think he was allowed to make a choice for himself.  Was it an accident? However, no body was ever found. Or, did someone choose his fate for him? We may never know.  

We hope time will tell. Until it does, we are still living in that moment when we knew he had vanished out of character.  That awful dawning realization, that fateful knowledge, we are in this for the long haul.  

 

I am sure it’s meant well when it’s suggested we have to ‘move on.’ It is incomprehensible to those who haven’t been in this situation to imagine how stuck we are in this ongoing grief.  It has a name Ambiguous Loss.  There are thousands like me living this loss, desperately hoping one day to get answers.

 

No matter how long it’s been - it is still an open wound. We have learned to live around the emptiness of it.  But we cannot walk away and ‘move on.’