So many good memories live on in my heart from childhood to the moment of writing this.
It took a tragic loss - and other somewhat expected losses to deplete the joy of holidays, birthdays and otherwise warmly anticipated celebrations.
The hardest has definitely been Christmas. I count some losses in my family as anticipated, having had time to adapt to expectations of the inevitable. Painful, yet leaving us with happy joyous memories that continue to fill my heart at this time of year. More importantly, having a place to lay flowers, pay respects and lingering awhile in memories means so much.
With gratitude for those memories and traditions we built upon and created a space of happiness for our remaining children at Christmas. But when the fabric of your little family is torn away, revealing a gaping hole, the magic becomes harder to attain. Every year a resounding, deafening feeling of loss lingers at the center of our universe. Engendering the ever-present thoughts and questions - what happened? How did it happen? Did It happen? Or, has he found another life? That grim rollercoaster of not knowing is incessantly percolating.
So building upon the scaffolding of times gone by, we endeavored to re-create the ambiance of Christmas. We decorated and baked and played the part. It wasn’t the same. The heart leaden and the soul colder.
We are the ones left behind to cope with the unsolved and missing loved ones still in our hearts – every day. Missing but ever present. Ambiguous loss. (Pauline Boss)
I live a life between memories ever defined as ‘before and after’ our wee beautiful boy vanished into the dark November night without a trace.
Valerie Nettles
Christmas #27
December 2023
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