Brick Wall

People ask me how I cope? The realization hit me like a brick wall

 

I don’t ‘live’ I exist. I am not depressed I am filled with sadness. I have reached a point in my life where I just sit and listen to the silence.  As I listen I reflect on how I got here.  Like an old cine’ film the past replays.   There used to be color in my life. My childhood.  Warmth and happiness.  Parents, grandparents and siblings.  Vibrancy and possibilities. Noise.   Children to nurture and visions of how their lives would evolve and who they would become. Visions of happy family gatherings.  Meet ups and play dates and friends with positive lives moving forward much like mine.  The future exciting. Careers, comfortable home and happy existence was all we ever hoped for.

 

Boom.  My son vanished at age 16.

 

Fast forward to today.  The past still on replay but now disjointed. Exhausting. Confusing. Desperate. Reflections of horror, sadness and loss hauntingly fill the void.  Fragmented thoughts  – coming at me in bits as I cling to them in hope.  I try desperately to tie them together.  Failing.   Reaching out for help.  Looking for an arm to hold onto.  But I am alone.  Searching every last memory and moment for a clue to end this bitter crushing pang of fear.

 

What happened.

He must be dead.  How?  Was he suffering.  Was he hurt.  Did he Cry.  Think of us?  Cry for us.

Did he know?  Out there somewhere and alone in his darkness he waits. Thoughts like this slip into my mind and slip out again leaving emptiness.

 

I listen in silence witness to all the unspeakable possibilities.  Waiting for truth and Justice called ‘hope.’

Almost 27 years and we still have some hope we might find the answer.  

I recently read a comment on another much more recent case and the author shouted the case should be closed.  If he knew the pain and the suffering endured by thousands who are the same place as me.  Looking for help and answers.  He might begin to understand. 

People are not disposable commodities.  

To Damien

 I don’t know how to shake this feeling of perpetual anxiety.  It’s gnawing and tugging inwardly in my mind and in my soul.

 

Never a day passes where I don’t think of you Damien.

 

This feeling has sat with me daily since you went missing.  26 years and counting my son without your voice,  your humor and your smile and your very being. The constant tug and pull aches of how much I miss you.  I think about you as I go about my daily routines.  As if I might seem normal, though it is grossly abnormal. Seen by anyone who did not know my son vanished might never suspect the pain inside my heart.  

 

I wish you could have been with me longer.  I know something bad happened to take you from us dearest boy.   It’s not your fault.

 

I just wish I knew.  I wish I could find an answer to make sense of all of this inner turmoil I suffer.  But suffer it all I will in hopes of knowing the truth one day.

Mother of Missing Damien Nettles. I will never give up hope. Author: The Boy Who Disappeared non-fiction/true crime ISBN: 9781789460711 enquires via website.

Christmas #26

His name is Damien.

Here it comes again. Tis the season.  The twenty-sixth Christmas without news or knowledge about what happened to my missing son. Again trying to insert myself into the twinkle and spark of another festive season.  

There is a  bumpy winding road to negotiate until the New Year.  Full of Emotional obstacles to anticipate and get ahead of.  Family traditions to enact out of an obligation to lift my own spirits.  Anticipation of others needs and wants at this time and not be the wet blanket.  I will do my part.  I am bombarded by the shiny hype of it.  Reminded with every advertisement.  Happy smiling people in Christmas attire of one sort or another. It’s fun, heartwarming, kind. Unless your heart is shattered. Emotive appeals for giving and goodwill.  Any faith left in me has been worn away over the years. It’s hanging by a thread somewhere in my soul.  Not quite gone.  Was it ever there?  I think it was.  I can’t lean on it now it would be pointless – 26 years is plenty of time for a miracle to happen.  Times running out for me and Ed.  I can see the horizon and it’s flat.  

I am going to drop off at some point.  I would really like to know before I go just how it happened. How that lovely kid waved “bye bye mum see ya later” and fell off the face of the earth.  My lovely boy.  

 

His name is Damien.

We miss him so much.

Can you help us?  

Do you know?

It’s time! 

Waiting

This past year has been fairly quiet around Damien’s case.  But things are happening, at a snails pace.  I have been informed by my cold case officer that Damien’s case will be give back to the Major Crime team and an SIO provided.  This is an endeavor to work with Locate International who are able to assist police investigations with no cost to police.  This will allow police and Locate to do work around unidentified and unclaimed body parts to ensure they are all cross matched and recorded.  It has be a snail mail process whereby the case officer recommended this happen but going up the food chain for approval has been painfully slow!  We are still awaiting final green light and getting feedback is tortuous. 

At this time it’s a bit hit and miss if a body part gets the important scrutiny needed.  Although there are protocols in place to do this, I have heard from people who found bones and took them to police who threw them into the bin.  That is unacceptable.

There are a few burial at sea sites around the UK and the Isle of Wight has one.  Often body parts are washed up from a burial at sea gone wrong.  The police may be quick to assume this is the case when body parts wash ashore.  It is also known that unless it’s a body part a human cannot ‘live without’ it may never be looked into.  This is also unacceptable.  

I wrote a book about my struggles with the case of my missing son, Damien Nettles. I felt it was necessary to write our journey into my own words. The emotional turmoil of a child missing is beyond words. I can only express what I have known. It goes without saying that anytime a family member mysteriously goes missing, it is unbearable for the family left behind. There are few resources for a family like mine; no guidance came from the police for us. We were fortunate to stumble on Missing People, who provided guidance and support.

 
Since that time I have been working with people who have come my way to make improvements/change in how missing persons cases are handled. 

So much can go wrong in the initial stages of a missing episode. I say episode as in some cases, especially missing from care and County Lines, are revolving door cases which most of the time have some resolution until the next episode. There are significant resources in place through National Crime Agency with focus on the exploitation of young and vulnerable people.

My focus is on the unexplained/out of character incidents especially young males who are NOT marginalized/criminalized in society but who are missing for other reasons i.e. unplanned or out of character and missing on a night out.

All too common yet often not given appropriate risk assessment by police who stereotype young men as boys being boys or just another teen runaway. Quick assumptions, in some cases, that missing young people fit one profile, delays in thorough searches. 

The most important thing the police need to do, and is very simple, listen to the concerns of the family who know that person better than anyone. Act upon it, immediately!

In our case, we suffered from a feeling of helpless sadness and desperation. We could not comprehend the scope of what was happening. We were in a state of shock. There needs to be understanding of the dynamics of the situation that has befallen the family left behind to cope.

When someone goes missing, knowingly or unknowingly, they take several lives with them which will forever be damaged. In some cases destroyed. Lives veering onto a new dark path. Unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Lost opportunities. Missed happiness. Deep sadness, anxiety and depression. Broken relationships. The list goes on.

My experience spans almost 26

years at the time of writing this. There appears to be increased awareness/willingness by authorities to look closer at such cases, but mistakes, often fatal are still made. Especially in the case young males who are often stereotyped as out on the town, lads being lads. 

Words of Missingness

 

When a loved one goes missing you feel

 

Terrified he is hurt?

Shocked it is happening

Alarmed nobody seems to know anything

Confused what to do

Bewildered as world stands still

Dazed by resounding silence

Alone in a whirlwind

Perplexed at inaction

Despondent of life

Frightened at realization

Limbo left wondering

Dangling in time and space

Enduring perpetual grief

Endless despair

 

The ongoing wait makes you feel

 

Depressed

Disappointed

Despairing

Despondent

Debilitated

Sad

Frozen

Hopeless

Lost

Unimportant

 

The case makes you

 

Hopeful things will be done

Supported - someone to take over

Expectant - rational explanation

Poised - time passes by

Suspended - life is put on hold

Frustrated - nothing forthcoming

Pending – our lives

Prolonged - yearning for answers

Disconnected - lack of communication

Inactive - other things take precedence

Disregarded - nobody calls back

Forgotten - time wears on

Ignored - emails go unanswered

Delayed - always excuses

Neglected - time passes by

Overlooked - new cases come along

 

It can make you seem

 

Rebellious

Demanding

Defiant

Stronger

Determined

Purposeful

Hopeful for change

Turning adversity into positivity

I found out in the early days that being pro-active in my missing son's case was the thing that kept me sane.  I was drowning in a sea of emotion.  Nobody can describe the distress of having a much loved son just vanish without a trace.  It was clear that not enough support, advice or action was forthcoming from our local police.  We had to become our own advocates for our missing child.  Support came from the friends of Damien their parents and the community.  There is no doubt that assumptions were made about our missing boy which adversely affected any possible positive outcome in the case.  We didn’t have a clue why he vanished or what to do.   It didn’t make sense and it was out of character.  

Although things have slowed down at the moment and there is not much left on the table that I can push for Damien’s case, I can still make a difference.

Missing Persons Information Hub (MPIH)   See launch article

Over the many years Damien has been missing, I have come across random articles about the missing issue which could have been useful had I known.   I was pleased to be asked by Charlie Hedges to be the family advocate as part of a working group with police professionals and universities and Missing People Charity. Creation of this website will make it easier for new people coming into this issue to find the advice they need, in one place.

I am a member of the Missing People Charity Advisory Board which is basically a think tank helping the Charity to plan content of events or giving opinions on subjects related to the issue from a family perspective.

I and another mother of a missing person, participated in police training sessions, sponsored by Missing People Charity.  By sharing our lived experience of this issue and what went wrong or what went right, we hope to bring some insight to how families are affected, some for decades, when assumptions are made, and risk assessment is incorrect. Very often there is disconnect of communication which can impede successful relationships and a positive experience.

We were both also on the panel to create a bespoke candle for Missing People. Making contact with other families in this situation has been very helpful and mutually a supportive experience.

I have been fortunate to participate in several research projects by individuals and universities, in the hope my experience will help to shed light on the subject and there will be better understanding of this issue. The interest generated in the missing issue will be beneficial as people go missing every day Hopefully the insights I can provide will impact on police and research for the good of future cases

I joined a writing group, sponsored by Missing People, to help families use the written word to create poems or various other forms of writing and stretch our brain cells.  It is a lovely way to connect with other family members while having a chat at the same time.  Writing about my experience has always been something that was cathartic for me.  To release those thoughts and feelings into a written form, either by hand on the computer helped me cope.  It was also a journal which later came to be useful as I wrote a book about our family's experience.  The Boy who Disappeared. 

Finally, if being pro-active in the issue that took our son helps another family, then Damien's short life has been given a purpose.