Tuesday, May 30, 2017

I never knew you at 17 years old….

You are going to be 37 years old soon and a whole lifetime has passed you by and cheated us out of the joy of watching you grow into the great human being I know you could have been.

It is very hard to come to terms with that idea.

I feel like you’re still with me because I still have not felt that I can let go of you.  You are my child and you vanished for no apparent reason.  When this happened we were are all shell shocked.  In way this is akin to PTSD although nobody ever really thought about it in that way, not for a long time. It does make sense.  I can only speak for myself.  I was in shock for so long and still am to a degree.  I have learned to live with this though still carry around a pain in the depth of my soul.  There are no words to describe this feeling.  I can’t leave you behind and I spend my life thinking about you and searching for answers.

I wonder what my life would be like if I only had to fret about how you’re doing at work or about your life in general.

I carry you still.  I feel the weight of this in my heart and wonder how much longer I can keep this up?