I never knew you at 17 years old….

You are going to be 37 years old soon and a whole lifetime has passed you by and cheated us out of the joy of watching you grow into the great human being I know you could have been.

It is very hard to come to terms with that idea.

I feel like you’re still with me because I still have not felt that I can let go of you.  You are my child and you vanished for no apparent reason.  When this happened we were are all shell shocked.  In way this is akin to PTSD although nobody ever really thought about it in that way, not for a long time. It does make sense.  I can only speak for myself.  I was in shock for so long and still am to a degree.  I have learned to live with this though still carry around a pain in the depth of my soul.  There are no words to describe this feeling.  I can’t leave you behind and I spend my life thinking about you and searching for answers.

I wonder what my life would be like if I only had to fret about how you’re doing at work or about your life in general.

I carry you still.  I feel the weight of this in my heart and wonder how much longer I can keep this up?

Fractured Lives – remembering 20 ½ years on…..

I remember a big tall lad bounding out of the door, catching the door post, poking his head back through the doorway saying “bye mum, see you later”.  He fell back into the room briefly and I told him to be back by 10.30 p.m. to which he replied in a good natured way “awe, mum, I haven’t seen my friends for a week so can I stay out a bit later?”  I replied okay but no later than midnight.  Then off he loped with that big stride, and that lovely smile beaming, to the car where his dad waited to take him to his friend’s house.

Nothing untoward, nothing abnormal or ugly, just this lovely lanky 16-year-old off out to visit his pals. I never saw him again.

The next day we discovered his was missing and our lives have been fractured since.

Over the past 20+ years there have been countless other people who have gone missing but the focus seems to be fixated on a select few.  The issue is much larger.  I have met some of the most amazing people who have suffered this same loss and who have fought valiantly for just a little of the limelight for their own loved one. Not for the glory of the limelight but out of a desperation to get their loved ones face out there in the public eye, “in case”  always in the back of your mind.  “What if” this time we find them? What if we finally get a lead.  What if we finally find out what really happened?  Will someone finally come forward to put an end to our anxiety and our misery and our desolation?  We silently hope against hope even when your gut tells you that you may never know where your child is.

"Here is to all the lost and missing". 

You are are not forgotten and you are missed beyond words and many hearts are heavy with loss.