Thursday, December 8, 2022

Christmas #26

His name is Damien.

Here it comes again. Tis the season.  The twenty-sixth Christmas without news or knowledge about what happened to my missing son. Again trying to insert myself into the twinkle and spark of another festive season.  

There is a  bumpy winding road to negotiate until the New Year.  Full of Emotional obstacles to anticipate and get ahead of.  Family traditions to enact out of an obligation to lift my own spirits.  Anticipation of others needs and wants at this time and not be the wet blanket.  I will do my part.  I am bombarded by the shiny hype of it.  Reminded with every advertisement.  Happy smiling people in Christmas attire of one sort or another. It’s fun, heartwarming, kind. Unless your heart is shattered. Emotive appeals for giving and goodwill.  Any faith left in me has been worn away over the years. It’s hanging by a thread somewhere in my soul.  Not quite gone.  Was it ever there?  I think it was.  I can’t lean on it now it would be pointless – 26 years is plenty of time for a miracle to happen.  Times running out for me and Ed.  I can see the horizon and it’s flat.  
I am going to drop off at some point.  I would really like to know before I go just how it happened. How that lovely kid waved “bye bye mum see ya later” and fell off the face of the earth.  My lovely boy.  

 

His name is Damien.

We miss him so much.

Can you help us?  

Do you know?

It’s time! 

Saturday, October 1, 2022

Waiting

This past year has been fairly quiet around Damien’s case.  But things are happening, at a snails pace.  I have been informed by my cold case officer that Damien’s case will be give back to the Major Crime team and an SIO provided.  This is an endeavor to work with Locate International who are able to assist police investigations with no cost to police.  This will allow police and Locate to do work around unidentified and unclaimed body parts to ensure they are all cross matched and recorded.  It has be a snail mail process whereby the case officer recommended this happen but going up the food chain for approval has been painfully slow!  We are still awaiting final green light and getting feedback is tortuous. 

At this time it’s a bit hit and miss if a body part gets the important scrutiny needed.  Although there are protocols in place to do this, I have heard from people who found bones and took them to police who threw them into the bin.  That is unacceptable.

There are a few burial at sea sites around the UK and the Isle of Wight has one.  Often body parts are washed up from a burial at sea gone wrong.  The police may be quick to assume this is the case when body parts wash ashore.  It is also known that unless it’s a body part a human cannot ‘live without’ it may never be looked into.  This is also unacceptable.  




I wrote a book about my struggles with the case of my missing son, Damien Nettles. I felt it was necessary to write our journey into my own words. The emotional turmoil of a child missing is beyond words. I can only express what I have known. It goes without saying that anytime a family member mysteriously goes missing, it is unbearable for the family left behind. There are few resources for a family like mine; no guidance came from the police for us. We were fortunate to stumble on Missing People, who provided guidance and support.

 
Since that time I have been working with people who have come my way to make improvements/change in how missing persons cases are handled. 

So much can go wrong in the initial stages of a missing episode. I say episode as in some cases, especially missing from care and County Lines, are revolving door cases which most of the time have some resolution until the next episode. There are significant resources in place through National Crime Agency with focus on the exploitation of young and vulnerable people.

My focus is on the unexplained/out of character incidents especially young males who are NOT marginalized/criminalized in society but who are missing for other reasons i.e. unplanned or out of character and missing on a night out.

All too common yet often not given appropriate risk assessment by police who stereotype young men as boys being boys or just another teen runaway. Quick assumptions, in some cases, that missing young people fit one profile, delays in thorough searches. 

The most important thing the police need to do, and is very simple, listen to the concerns of the family who know that person better than anyone. Act upon it, immediately!

In our case, we suffered from a feeling of helpless sadness and desperation. We could not comprehend the scope of what was happening. We were in a state of shock. There needs to be understanding of the dynamics of the situation that has befallen the family left behind to cope.

When someone goes missing, knowingly or unknowingly, they take several lives with them which will forever be damaged. In some cases destroyed. Lives veering onto a new dark path. Unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Lost opportunities. Missed happiness. Deep sadness, anxiety and depression. Broken relationships. The list goes on.

My experience spans almost 26
years at the time of writing this. There appears to be increased awareness/willingness by authorities to look closer at such cases, but mistakes, often fatal are still made. Especially in the case young males who are often stereotyped as out on the town, lads being lads. 

Friday, September 30, 2022

Words of Missingness


 

When a loved one goes missing you feel

 

Terrified he is hurt?

Shocked it is happening

Alarmed nobody seems to know anything

Confused what to do

Bewildered as world stands still

Dazed by resounding silence

Alone in a whirlwind

Perplexed at inaction

Despondent of life

Frightened at realization

Limbo left wondering

Dangling in time and space

Enduring perpetual grief

Endless despair

 

The ongoing wait makes you feel

 

Depressed

Disappointed

Despairing

Despondent

Debilitated

Sad

Frozen

Hopeless

Lost

Unimportant

 

The case makes you

 

Hopeful things will be done

Supported - someone to take over

Expectant - rational explanation

Poised - time passes by

Suspended - life is put on hold

Frustrated - nothing forthcoming

Pending – our lives

Prolonged - yearning for answers

Disconnected - lack of communication

Inactive - other things take precedence

Disregarded - nobody calls back

Forgotten - time wears on

Ignored - emails go unanswered

Delayed - always excuses

Neglected - time passes by

Overlooked - new cases come along

 

It can make you seem

 

Rebellious

Demanding

Defiant

Stronger

Determined

Purposeful

Hopeful for change

Wednesday, July 13, 2022

Turning adversity into positivity

I found out in the early days that being pro-active in my missing son's case was the thing that kept me sane.  I was drowning in a sea of emotion.  Nobody can describe the distress of having a much loved son just vanish without a trace.  It was clear that not enough support, advice or action was forthcoming from our local police.  We had to become our own advocates for our missing child.  Support came from the friends of Damien their parents and the community.  There is no doubt that assumptions were made about our missing boy which adversely affected any possible positive outcome in the case.  We didn’t have a clue why he vanished or what to do.   It didn’t make sense and it was out of character.  

Although things have slowed down at the moment and there is not much left on the table that I can push for Damien’s case, I can still make a difference.

Missing Persons Information Hub (MPIH)   See launch article

Over the many years Damien has been missing, I have come across random articles about the missing issue which could have been useful had I known.   I was pleased to be asked by Charlie Hedges to be the family advocate as part of a working group with police professionals and universities and Missing People Charity. Creation of this website will make it easier for new people coming into this issue to find the advice they need, in one place.

I am a member of the Missing People Charity Advisory Board which is basically a think tank helping the Charity to plan content of events or giving opinions on subjects related to the issue from a family perspective.

I and another mother of a missing person, participated in police training sessions, sponsored by Missing People Charity.  By sharing our lived experience of this issue and what went wrong or what went right, we hope to bring some insight to how families are affected, some for decades, when assumptions are made, and risk assessment is incorrect. Very often there is disconnect of communication which can impede successful relationships and a positive experience.

We were both also on the panel to create a bespoke candle for Missing People. Making contact with other families in this situation has been very helpful and mutually a supportive experience.

I have been fortunate to participate in several research projects by individuals and universities, in the hope my experience will help to shed light on the subject and there will be better understanding of this issue. The interest generated in the missing issue will be beneficial as people go missing every day Hopefully the insights I can provide will impact on police and research for the good of future cases

I joined a writing group, sponsored by Missing People, to help families use the written word to create poems or various other forms of writing and stretch our brain cells.  It is a lovely way to connect with other family members while having a chat at the same time.  Writing about my experience has always been something that was cathartic for me.  To release those thoughts and feelings into a written form, either by hand on the computer helped me cope.  It was also a journal which later came to be useful as I wrote a book about our family's experience.  The Boy who Disappeared

Finally, if being pro-active in the issue that took our son helps another family, then Damien's short life has been given a purpose.


Sunday, January 30, 2022

A New Year in the continued search for Damien Nettles

2022 began our family lost yet another member of our family. Damiens uncle Nigel passed on New Years Day after a valiant battle with Leukemia. He desperately wanted to know what happened to his much loved nephew.

Nigel represented our family at numerous events hosted by Missing People Charity Nigel and his wife Janet opened their beautiful historical home to public tours along with cream teas to raise money for this Charity.  His daughter Sophie did a charitable walk around the Isle of Wight to raise more funds.

 

Missing People are the only charity in the UK  to serve the both the missing person and families/friends left behind to cope.  They also are instrumental in research and development with government bodies to improve current standard practices.

 

So as we enter, what I can only describe as a already fractured year, it’s time to assess where we are, are not, with Damiens case.

 

In 2011 the case was elevated to a suspected murder.  This was 14 years after he went missing.  Arrests were made and perfunctory searches done.  But after 14 years peoples memories cloud or potential witness had passed away who may have been able to shed light on the facts.  Prospective burial sites dismissed. Facts were in short order in this case from day one.

 

Although being high risk due to age and out of character disappearance, nothing was done on any acceptable level to find a missing 16 year old boy.  In fact I was belligerently told by an officer he was 19 and old enough to please himself if he wanted to go off.  No wonder little was achieved in the golden hours of this case. CCTV was dismissed out of hand and lost by police for any further scrutiny.  

 

The case is currently touted by Hampshire Constabulary as a ‘missing person’ cold case.  It is very puzzling that despite the continued flow of information of alleged foul play it’s not been maintained at a elevated level of risk assessment that would encourage information.  Instead we have been told they didn’t want to encourage more information to come in for this case as they have ‘done everything’.  

 

No, they have not. They gave themselves a narrative in 2014 as having done ‘due diligence’ after the short search and fruitless arrests.  Then they shelved the case with their cold case unit.

 

So this is where we are.  They refuse to re-visit the continued flow of information constantly provided. I pass everything to the cold case officer who has been helpful.  However, the buck stops up the chain of command as to whether or not anything we forward is going to be followed up.  We have been waiting over a year for promised work around DNA.  There is no budget.  Police funds are cut which are excuses I hear.  Despite the offer of a community interest group to take this on to assist police at no cost the police.  Nothing ever happens!

 

The only facts we have are what we knew on the day we reported him missing which was November 3, 1996, approximately 15 hours after he was last seen. 

 

He was seen by several people (witnesses) during the late evening of November 2, 1996.  He went out with his friend, drank cider and later bought chips at 11:45pm seen on chip shop security camera where was surrounded by men later identified as being army personnel visiting the Island.


There is speculation Damien could have taken drugs but there are no ‘factual’ statements within the police report that proves he did. As a family we have to be open to all possibilities, but so far it is hearsay. If anyone later changed their narrative to suit themselves then why did police not revisit previous the statements given by those same individuals around Damien that night? One has to wonder if anything that was said can be trusted? 


Damien’s case was handed from the Isle of Wight police in 2002 to Major Crimes Unit of Hampshire Constabulary.  At this time information was input on their HOLMES database.  We later discovered any prior information 1996-2002 was not input into the HOLMES system.

 

Last confirmed sighting was on street CCTV (lost by police) at 12:05am November 3,1996 eating chips walking along Cowes High Street, alone.  

 

Royal Yacht Squadron had an event that evening,  an acquaintance Damiens said he would be working at the event. But police have never addressed this.  I have a redacted report spanning 2002-2017 with witness statements with no mention of the squadron event.  Despite loud voices arguing/shouting reported in the early hours of the morning from residents nearby. It was dismissed because police said it was hard to prove or follow up.  At the time we deferred to what police told us.  We had no inkling what could be accomplished.  But now we do know it’s painfully clear important possibilities were ignored. I have the major review done in 2006 which never mentions the squadron.  Why were army men in town? There must have been a guest list so an important question still looms about who else was in Cowes that night?  Despite bringing this up many times over the years it’s never been addressed.