I wish I had more time with you Damien.  I wish that I had taken more photo's.  My heart is very sad that your no longer here.  We all miss you terribly.  No matter how many years keep rolling by,  we love and miss you as much today as we ever did, if not more.  My heart cries for you every day.  I wish we had more time with youxx 

It's one of those nights

It’s one of those nights…can’t sleep as my mind is turning over the day’s events and wandering back into the past and all things Damien. 

There is a group of volunteers who are digging an area of interest in the hope of finding my son’s remains. 

As I have said in other blogs, the police refuse to look at this area so we are unable to get any help.

Recently a white waxy substance has been found 6’ underground.  When tested in water the substance does not dissolve.  Our concern is that this could be ‘death wax’ or Adipocere, which is commonly found in a site where a body has been for a while.  It is gruesome to think about, but the best hope I have these days is to find what is left of my son.

This find was reported to police, a few weeks ago, but no one has shown up to take a look.  I spoke today to my SIO who informed me that she is trying to “get permission” to be able to test selected items from the dig site as and when we find them.  But they won’t help with the digging.  I was told that if it was Adipocere there would be bones in the vicinity.  My understanding is that there is a large amount of concrete in the vicinity, so how can they remove that without equipment more manpower to know whether there are bones there or not?   With limited or no resources available, we have little chance of getting very far with this endeavor. 

We need this waxy substance evaluated.  It may be nothing but we won’t know unless forensic tests are carried out so unless the police “get permission” we won’t get this accomplished.  I should have asked who must give the police permission to test a waxy Adipocere like substance found in an area where it is rumored that my son was buried. 

Sorry.  But I have to say this.  

I wish my son's case had a thimble full of the resources, dedication and the will, by UK police and the world at large, to solve his disappearance as does the McCann case.  I fully support her parents attempts to do all they can to find their missing child.

I wish the whole world would stop and search for my missing son, Damien.

I am informed, by Hampshire Constabulary, there are 'financial considerations' taken into account before doing further investigations.  Only new leads will he followed up.  The police say case is not closed, but it is most certainly sat on a shelf awaiting some attention.

  

Police pull out a long list of actions on Damien's case BUT it took them over 14 years to start looking into his case seriously and turn it into a SUSPECTED MURDER case.  It was 14 years too late.

Funds are unavailable to search a possible burial site for Damien, in England, on home soil, so the public are digging that area instead.  

When enough is enough. 

Living life in a goldfish bowl is a necessary side effect of being the parent or family member of a missing person.  When did life become so crazy. 

DAMIEN NETTLES IS STILL MISSING -18 Years on November 2, 2014

The police continue to keep this case open.  People ask me why?  All I can say is the police have looked at the statements that have been made and they, like us,  see that there is a pattern.  This has  been corroborated by an ex-police informant, who according officers who dealt with her for years she was always reliable with her information.  The same names and scenario’s crop up over and again from other sources too.  

The initial police inaction was just appalling.  When they finally arrested 8 people it was 14 years too late.  By then, those involved may have had far more to protect like reputations, jobs and hiding the truth from children and loved ones.  Some passed away.  Or was a dead man used to quiet this case?

It has been said that Damien was beaten to death by drug induced thugs who took exception to his presence. Some have suggested he was cut up and fed to pigs.  Others have suggested he was thrown into a lobster cage and left as bait.  Others say it was an accident.  A beating got out of hand and he was killed.  His body was hidden until a grave was prepared.  Those involved are still around I am told.  Someone who worked with felling trees and or road works has been suggested and who were local thugs with ties to drug dealers.

There is a fear on the Isle of Wight in some circles when Damien’s name is mentioned.  Why?  Who is still around that is a threat to anyone who will speak about Damien?

The police say the case is not closed, but it also is not being actively investigated.  They want new information based on facts.  The fact is that the police inaction has made this case drag on for years without any conclusion.  The police lost evidence just a few months after Damien went missing.  That is a fact but they don’t come out and tell anyone that they lost evidence.  There was CCTV of Damien walking along the High Street after he had been to a chip shop.  I asked we look at who else was on the street that night but police had neglected to keep this CCTV film footage safe as evidence, they lost it.  They stop short of telling the public that fact.  Yet I live with this horror because of years of police inaction and shoddy police work.   They won’t spend any more money on Damien’s case and they won’t look for Damien’s body in an area identified by an ex- police informant. 

We are digging in an area of interest ourselves.  We need police help and they steadfastly refuse.  Money is the issue and manpower. They say it’s due to an unreliable witness yet they used to pay her quite happily as an informant for years.  It doesn’t add up.  It’s not a job for private citizens and the police could do something to help but will not.  You will read a long list of actions when police present their press release.  Just be aware, the majority of those actions were 14 years after Damien disappeared……too late.

 If you thought there was a reasonable chance your loved one was buried somewhere…..what would you do?

Those involved, or know who is involved, may close ranks.  I have names.  Blood is thicker than water and on the IW; there is a strong blood tie between families.  We know who you are and we are watching, waiting, and you will be caught.

Confusion

Every day the words crowd my mind

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do.
I don't know where to turn.  I am scared.
I am tired.  I don't know where to go.
I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to start.
I don't understand.
I miss my child. How did this happen.
I don't know what to do.  Where do I start.
What do I do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to.  I don't know why.  
I cant do this.  I cant do this. I cant do this.
I need to find him .
Where do I begin.

You Can Never Go Back.....

YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK!        

No matter what the situation is or was you can never go back can you?  Once something has been done, it cannot be undone.  It is just like that isn't it?  That is life and life was stolen from my son.

I look back at the last almost 18 years of my son going missing.  There is nothing I could have done to change what transpired.    I always had an uneasy feeling about Damien’s safety.  He was trusting and he was very gregarious and sometimes his mouth got him into an awkward spot.  He was a good person.   He did not have a malicious bone in his body.  He was just very very silly, with a very good sense of humor.  He just wanted to be liked.  Something happened to Damien and we still don’t know what or why.

We do believe somebody does know and they are watching us carefully to see how much we have learned.  We know.

SO THIS IS FOR YOU

When this bad thing happened to Damien, that you know about, you were young, probably not much older than Damien who was 16 years old, a baby still.  You and others did something that haunts you to this day.  It was really bad.  Sometimes you cry out loud and pull your hair.  You can’t believe it, can you?  But it happened, just like a bad dream, it haunts you. 

You are a parent now.  You have a spouse who trusts you, and you are the world to your family.  Look at their little faces.  They don’t know what you did, do they?  What would they think if they knew?  You know what, don’t you?  But you could never face it could you?  For them to really know you and what your capable of.  Look at your parents who are either oblivious or stupid or, they are covering up for you? Ah!!!  Which is it?  No matter, you know don’t you and you are squirming right now.

You can’t go back.  You were young and with that crowd of idiots who ran riot round the town like they owned it.  They did damage, in many forms.  They were violent and nasty and they hated anything and everything that showed promise.  They wanted to ruin things that others had achieved.  They were mean mongrels.  They were off their heads on drugs.  They didn’t care, did they?  They grew old, got fat, and spawned more of the same kind of lesser human beings.  Some cleaned up and left that past behind under the guise of success, moving on, getting a decent job, getting married, buying a home and aspiring to all those things they used to want to destroy.  They are like you aren’t they?  They grew up and they have something bad to hide.  They get cold when they hear Damien Nettles name, because they know what they did too, don’t they?

Think about it.  You are old now look in the mirror, what do you see?  You might think you can run around the town causing mayhem, upsetting good people, smashing a window or starting a fight or setting fire to the bins as you go.  But you will look stupid now won’t you?  You looked stupid back then.  You’re not the young buck anymore.  Your old, getting fatter, got a family and a job.  Maybe you go to Church .  You can’t go back to that time before you did that thing and start the clock again.  It won’t work, because we are not going to let you rest. 

Ever. 

Fighting My Way Back into Life

After my son went missing, my life fractured. I had to learn to pick up the pieces of my torn soul. Stepping cautiously across the abysses that lay between the new normal and the shocking abnormal.  

Each day for the past 17 years has been an exercise of re-gaining my existence on this earth.  Putting on a good facade and going to work and being a productive person again. Trying to trust life/people again has been a long upward climb.  As time has passed I have become stronger and better at this. 

I could fool anyone who didn’t know my story or struggle. I have never given up on the search for Damien and I have learned to balance work, life & family the best I can while keeping up the profile of my missing son.

But it does not take very much to destroy this fragile framework of  existence and trust.  Some say and think that I am a strong person.  But they don't really see me. Some judge my sorrow as unhappiness, but they don't see me. 

I exist in a state of confusion, loss, helplessness, disbelief, anger,  despair, fierce determination and a fragile hope.